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(Cy Coleman, David Zippel)

Lyrics

[Stine]
You are some gumshoe
You just don't think well
Get this, dumb gumshoe
You come from my inkwell
Is your mouth lonely
With one foot in there
Stone, your brain only
Holds thoughts I put in there

Just what you are I'll spell out
You are a novel pain
One speck of lint that fell out
The last time that I picked my brain

[Stone]
You are so jealous
Of my track record
Tolstoy, do tell us
Your feeble hack record
Your weak knees brand you
Soft and unstable
One small threat and you
Fold like a card table

You drool at my adventures
Your broads in bed are bored
Go home and soak your dentures
Your pen is no match for my sword

[Both]
You're nothing without me
A no-one who'd go undefined
You wouldn't exist
You'd never be missed
[Stine]
I tell you you're out of my mind
[Both]
A show off, a blowhard
You're equal parts hot air and gall
And no one would doubt me
Without me you're nothing at all

[Stine]
You're in my plot
I'm still your creator
I call each shot
I'm your private dictator
[Stone]
You are so thick
You eat, breathe, sleep fiction
I'm your meal ticket
Knee-deep in cheap fiction

[Stine]
You gloating ignoramus
You haven't any shame
[Stone]
Hey, I'm a famous shamus
And most people don't know your name

[Both]
You're nothing without me
Without me you'd just disappear
Right into thin air
And no one would care
Or notice you were there
A puppet, an upstart
A loser who's destined to fall
I'm everything you always wanted to be
Let's deal with the issue
You wish you were me
You're nothing without me
Without me you're nothing...
At all